Whispering To Myself
by Tergon
Summary: An angsty little POV for Scribbler's Love Is Love contest.


Written for Scribbler's **Love Is Love** fanfic contest.  
Enjoy!

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**Whispering To Myself**  
  
I have a secret. Nobody knows it except me. I guess I should be happy about that, too, 'cause I'd never hear the end of it if anyone found out. And this is not the kinda thing I want everyone to know about. Especially not her.  
  
I don't know. We came to the Institute at about the same time, so it kinda makes sense that I'd at least notice her from the beginning. It wasn't a big thing then; I guess I was all caught up in everything. Just a few looks out of the corner of my eye every now and then, sorta appreciating what I saw. She had that look about her, you know? The one that makes you want to check where she is every couple seconds in case you can catch her eye.  
I never caught her eye, though.  
The other guys did. Mr. Logan kept glowering at her, and all she did was give him this cheeky grin. Evan nearly choked on a glass of milk. I don't think I've ever seen Scott blush except for that one time. And Kurt  
He's not the type to judge on appearances. Oh, sure, he can ogle with the best of 'em, but it takes more than that to seriously get his attention. She sure did that, the fastest anyone ever had. She accepted him. Took one look at Mister Fuzzy Demon, ruffled his fur, and told him to brush his teeth. Then she went off to ooh over how big the TV was. I don't think Kurt blinked for about ten minutes after that. He was just staring at her.  
I was, too. I mean, come on – that's something to admire. I was never scared of the guy, not really, but the first time you see him is a shock. You just can't help flinching at him, everyone does it. Everyone but her. She just knew straight away that he wasn't what he looked like and didn't give a damn about it.  
I think that was when it started, even though it took me a while to admit it.  
  
I got teased for being a klutz because of her. I couldn't help it – whenever she was around I just froze up, only paid half attention to whatever I was doing. Which meant I spilled stuff, dropped stuff, fell over stuff, walked into stuff, knocked stuff over and completely forgot whatever I was supposed to be doing. Ever get your hands mixed up when making egg salad on one side and chocolate cookies on the other? On the plus side, I never had kitchen duty again. And I think Kitty enjoyed not being the only 'bad cook' in residence for a while.  
But yeah, me clumsy. It was better to laugh along with it and say what a dork I was then tell the truth – I hadn't even admitted it to myself, much less anyone else. It took a while for that to happen.  
It took her leaving.  
  
Everyone took that hard. Mr. Logan was angry but he wasn't surprised; the other teachers seemed to take it really badly, like they'd failed. Scott too. The other students... well, none of them saw it coming. She'd seemed happy. Really. Nobody could understand it.  
Especially Kurt. I mean, he'd trusted her completely. Really let himself relax around her, something he hardly does with anyone, and she threw it in his face. He blamed himself for the longest time, too, thinking that he'd failed her and made her leave.  
I knew he hadn't.  
I knew because I'd been watching them. I always liked Kurt, but it made me annoyed when they were together. The way he made her laugh, always helped her to have fun. I wanted to be the one doing that. Still, I knew that if I couldn't, it was good that he could. Yeah, I was jealous, but I could see that he hadn't failed her at all. It nearly tore him apart, but it wasn't his fault.  
I just couldn't help wondering if I could have made a difference. If I'd worked up the nerve to talk to her, maybe I could have convinced her to stay. Sure, probably not, but a definite answer would be better than a might-have-been. All I knew was that when she left, when she ran out without saying goodbye to us – to ME – it hurt. It hurt bad.  
I think that was when I first admitted that I had it bad for Tabitha Smith.  
  
Everyone was kinda shell-shocked for a while after that. They didn't notice me moping around; they were either paying attention to themselves or comforting Kurt. He, at least, had the nerve to admit he'd liked her, and that got him sympathy. I had no nerve and got exactly what that earned me – diddly squat.  
We still see her around, now. When she started hanging out with the Brotherhood, Scott nearly went apocalyptic. Kurt just got quiet and didn't say anything. Me...  
I wanted to be mad about that. Just like I'd wanted to feel sorry for Kurt after she left. But I couldn't. As much as I'd hated to admit it, I felt happy she'd left Kurt hanging – it made it slightly less unlikely she'd see me one day. And as much as I didn't like to think about it, I liked having her on the other side.  
Seeing her as a rival was still seeing her. Better than nothing.  
  
She doesn't hang around with anyone much these days, though. I don't know why – guess she just couldn't find a place to fit in. God, if she'd give me a chance, I'd give her all the place she could want and then some. But first I'd have to confront her, and that's not going to happen.  
She'd never look at me like that. Not in a million years. No matter how much I hope, it's just not going to come true.  
  
So all I can do is keep it bottled up. I do that pretty well, I think. Nobody knows about it, thank God. I just keep fooling around with everyone, training, laughing, studying. I haven't seen her for over a month now; I figure that eventually I'll move on. It's gotta be just some crush I'll grow out of.  
  
I have plenty of time for that. I'm only 13, after all.  
  
I just hope my multiples are as good at keeping secrets as I am. 


End file.
